I hope you're dancing Momma!

This is an excerpt taken from my personal diary concerning the death of my wonderful, quirky Mother. I hope to see her face to face again someday. For now, she shines brightly in my soul.

Thursday, January 25, 2007

Momma, I know it has been a while since I wrote in my journal and told you all the news, but life can be so messy and things have been up and down.

Steve is having problems with his other eye and now sees 20/70 in both eyes with glasses. He is afraid and angry. To top things off, we have had a terrible ice storm with lots of people without power. By God’s grace, it was not too bad for us.

I miss you so badly some days I can hardly function. I cannot imagine how it must be for my dad. Brenda and I have been slowly cleaning the house for him of things he feels he will not use, but we become sidetracked so easily by memories of you everywhere we look.
I had a dream of you yesterday morning. It was so real; I felt, smelled and touched you. I have never been so sad to awaken in my life. It went like this Momma…

Brenda and I were inspecting the kitchen from when we last cleaned it. We noticed on the cabinet some things Dad had acquired. They were an iron skillet and a huge iron appliance the size of a microwave oven. I was totally puzzled by this contraption and didn’t know what in the world it was. I glanced up and away from it toward the refrigerator and there you were …in a top and short with a short purple chenille robe over your outfit which included bright rainbow colored knee socks with places for each of your toes . You looked beautiful, my wonderful quirky mother! No hideous fluid retention, beautiful brown hair and you were happy…laughing and having a good time. As you, Brenda, and I chuckled at this odd iron appliance, I asked you, “Momma, why did Dad get this, what is it, and why does he need it?” You just laughed, smiled and said, “You know your Dad—who knows why he has it!” Then it suddenly dawned on me that you were HERE and not in heaven. I was so joyous and couldn’t stop hugging you. I cried, “Oh Momma, I didn’t know you were here. How long can you stay?” You smiled, returning my hugs, and said, “Oh honey, not long.”

That’s when I woke…It was so bittersweet. A wonderful dream to see you looking so well and happy Momma, but so devastating to realize you were no longer here with me physically. It was like losing you all over again. I cried.

Will it ever get easier?

Momma, "I've been asking the questions and not expecting the answers...I've been thinking, and thriving, wondering, trusting, crying, laughing, offering, yearning. Yeah, and dancing." --Tia Sillers Love you always, my sweet Momma.